i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I could make wine with my vomit
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
