I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize