booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
