Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I pour the whiskey from now on
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
