This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
