My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
He passed out mid-signature
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
