I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
