She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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