i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
