I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
