his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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