the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
