Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Randomize
