I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
