in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
