Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
