So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
