wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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