Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize