i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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