he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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