Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
