I saw his package. It spoke to me.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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