I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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