omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
