I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
