Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
