Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
