so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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