When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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