No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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