If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
