I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize