you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Randomize
