Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Randomize
