Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
They took my balls.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
