currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
