Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
