You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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