I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
