Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
