Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
