8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Randomize
