Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
