census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
