the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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