just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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