i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
