You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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