I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
