I'm sorry my penis didn't work
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
