Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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