So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize