Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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