I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
